How Nature's Turkey® Came to Inhabit the Abandoned Business Park

Me and Grandma was watchin' TV when the first of them commercials came on.

We custom-ordered our own Nature's Turkey® right then and there. We got us a 30-pound bird, with 10% salmon genes, 5% sweet potato and 0.005% cranberry, fed on a special formula of sage, oregano, and St. John's wort. The way it worked was, we sent in our order now, and they'd have it full-grown and ready to eat by Thanksgiving!

And so, Thanksgiving morning, we drove on down to the food mall to pick up our turkey. Sure enough, there was a line, hundreds o' people long, waitin' to pick up their own Nature's Turkeys®.

We got us a few more things at the food mall -- some antioxidant cranberry sauce, some FlavrSavr asparagus, and some mashed potatoes with shark cartilage and pork pancreas enzymes -- then we went on home.

And then Grandma went to carve the first slice....

We couldn't believe what we saw next....

Well them Nature's Turkey®s was all pretty happy to see each other alive and well again, and they started cheerin' and screamin' and raisin' a ruckus like you never heard.

They all ran down the street in one big stampede, screamin' the whole way and knockin' over peoples' garbage cans, until they finally got to the edge of town and headed out yonder....

So me and Grandma logged into that World Wide Web and took a look at the Nature's Turkey® website, and what they said on TV was true; you could get get a turkey with pig genes spliced in for a nice hammy taste, or yam genes spliced for a sweet potato flavor, and on and on and on, whatever you liked. You could even specify what herbal formula they'd feed your bird as it was growin' up. It really was a whole meal in one bird! And best of all, it was cheaper than them conventionally grown turkeys!

There was this big tank in the middle of the mall - some sorta aquarium, full of oxygenated juice -- what had dozens o' these newfangled turkeys all swimmin' around in it.

The Chevronsanto man explained to us that they were born and raised aquatic. That way, they didn't have to worry about gravity, and they could grow up bigger, plumper, juicier and more tender.

So we gave the girl our confirmation code, and she punches it into her computer, and it sends some kinda signal into the tank that alerts our turkey that it's time to come out and be eaten.

Of course, the turkey doesn't know it's gonna be eaten; it actually thinks this is the signal to come and get fed. Little does it realize, when it swims through that tiny hatchway, it's gonna end up inside a special super-microwave oven.

They said the computer would calibrate the oven to cook the bird at precisely the right time and temperature for the size of bird it was, etc. etc. It took about two minutes.

And then out it popped, all Therma-Seal'ed up and ready to go.

Hell, it used to take hours to cook one o' them conventional turkeys! You can bet Grandma was pleased she didn't have to spend the whole day in a hot kitchen.

Later that day, the whole family was all settled down at the dinner table. We said our prayers, and Grandma unsealed the turkey and brought it to the table. I tell ya, it smelled deee-licous! We could hardly wait to dig in!

Sure enough, that Nature's Turkey® jumps right off the dinner table, slips and slides across the kitchen floor and finally bolts through Bowser's dog door.

We didn't try to stop it.

It ran out into the street as fast as its little duck-legs could carry it, which was pretty fast, considerin'.

We all crept up to the window to take a look...

It looked like everybody else in the neighborhood was havin' the same problem. Apparently that oven-thing down at the food mall must not've been workin' proper.